Not much is known about Fabio Schwartz prior to his senior year in high school (pictured here) when he was voted Most Likely To Get Pec Implants. A genius, yet an underachiever, he enrolled in the Barbra Zahn School For Famous Models And Secretaries in Minot, North Dakota.

At BZSFFMAS Fabio Schwartz not only perfected his incredible and soon to be patented Look Of Most Absolute Passion, but he also learned to type 60 words a minute. His senior thesis in advanced catwalk strutting has achieved international fame in amateur modeling circles, particularly the chapter on the "half-hop pee-pee dance."

Soon after he graduated from BZSFFMAS, Fabio Schwartz inherented a dental floss ranch in Montana from his lost uncle, Frank. Fabio Schwartz cut short his trip in Naples (not the one in Italy, but the suburb of Long Beach, California) and put his modeling career on hold for the next five years as he worked to turn Uncle Franks floss farm around. Temping as a secretary, he was able to raise enough money to purchase two bee hives which provided the necessary wax to turn the floss from a flop into a cash crop. Soon after that he wisely invested in cinammon, soon becoming one of the largest producers of flavored floss in Montana.

But the flash and flair of modeling still called to him. Starting out small --with body parts-- he had photos shot of his incredibly beautiful, yet manly hand, holding the pair of Zircon encrusted tweezers left to him by his uncle. He sent those photos to the Zircon Encrusted Tweezer Corporation (ZETCO) of Laramie, Wyoming. When it was used in their next ad, sales doubled to four pairs a month. That was when he knew... modeling was calling him back.

Fabio Schwartz left the floss farm in the care of his trusted assistant and houseboy, Narcissus Johnson, and immediately headed for New York, hitching a ride on a turnip truck. Somewhere near Passaic, New Jersey, he fell off. He tried to get someone to take him the rest of the way to Manhattan, but when he told people he'd just fell off a turnip truck, they laughed so hard the paramedics had to be called.

So Fabio Schwartz settled in Passaic, putting his typing skills to good use, even though it wreaked havoc on his manicure. He took to having pictures shot of other parts of his body: his feet, his knees, his elbows. He even let his shoulder blade be photographed for a medical textbook. And then he graduated...

In 1994 he was approached by a representative of the Really Incredible Gigantic Humongous Clip-Art Collection. They wanted to use his face. After a five-day photo shoot in an abandoned warehouse in Hoboken, one photo was finally selected for inclusion and within months it was on the shelves of the 15 stores in the Bail-Bonds and Software retail chain.

Fabio Schwartz returned to Montana to run Uncle Frank's floss farm and waited for all the modeling offers he knew would come rolling in. He waited... and waited... and waited...

And then, one day in 1996, the call came. An old friend from BZSFFMAS, while surfing the web, had seen a picture of Fabio Schwartz in the icon bar at the bottom of a web page. The only problem was that he couldn't remember which one.

The floss farm had languished under the supervision of Narcissus Johnson, and Fabio's cash reserves were slim. Undaunted, he took what he had left and bought a 386-16 with a 2400 baud modem, boosted it to 4 megs of ram, and began slowly surfing the web in search of himself. He searched for days with no success, but the calls were trickling in. More people had recognized him. His old landlord from Passaic called. Ronnie and Bruce from Naples called. Soon the trickle became a stream and the stream became a river and the river became a flood.

Modeling agencies wanted to represent him. Studios wanted to cast him. Ronnie and Bruce really missed him.

Job offers were coming in left and right. Fabio Schwartz was an instant celebrity. He first appeared as "Person On The Street #58" in one of the famous Got Phlegm? cough syrup ads. Then he was cast as "Man Picking His Nose In Restaurant" in an Eddie Murphy film, with the present working title of Straight To Tape.

The rest is history waiting to be written. Fabio Schwartz the world's most beautiful yet manly man (and a confirmed heterosexual, no matter what Ronnie and Bruce say) no longer waits for fame to seek him. He is seeking fame. In fact, he found it once, but it got a restraining order against him and changed its phone number. Yet that has not diminished his fervor one bit. He's sold his farm and settled in Southern California to pursue fame full time. And as God is his witness, Fabio Schwartz will never grow floss again!