Hello, my darling friends. It is I, Fabio Schwartz. Come in. Have some champagne. Be careful you don't spill it as you sit down on my world-famous beanbag couch. It is hard to get stains out of beige corduroy.

Yes, my friends, thank you for visiting me here in my humble ranch house. You look at me and you are stricken with lust and envy. But you should not hate me because I am one of the world's most beautiful and desired men. You should love me, as does everybody, because I am Fabio Schwartz.

It is hard being this devastatingly handsome. Men wish women would throw themselves at their feet as women do mine. But have you ever tried to clean cheap make-up off of Italian leather? Ahhh, it is not easy to be the sexual god that Fabio Schwartz is.

Perhaps a little music will soothe my savage and muscular chest. It is very savage and very muscular, but I will not show it to you. Would you dare to look upon the face of God and expect not to suffer? No, I could not do that to you... because I am Fabio Schwartz. I was put upon this earth to provide pleasure, not pain.

It is a great responsibility, being as beautiful (yet manly) as I. It is a power not to be abused. And with it has come great knowledge. When one has such manly beauty as I, one is quickly educated in the mysteries of that great thing known as laahve. And thus I offer to you the depth of my knowledge and experience, because I laahve each and every one of you and wish you to be happy. With my wisdom, it may happen for you, even if you are not as beautiful (yet manly) as Fabio Schwartz.